2 page essay revision

Had to do a complete 2 pages in MLA format essay on self experience. I chose childhood obesity. Already submitted only scored 35 out of 50 professors gave me the actual corrections he wants, need someone to fluff this up since he said it’s to short don’t care if it’s true or not he doesn’t know that. Also I have a rubric he wants us to follow in order to get full credit and he thinks my thesis statement and conclusion statement needs work. By clicking on essay highlights you can see what he wants me to correct