Improve a 4 sentence pitch

I need someone to improve the pitch I have written using the Napkin Business Canvas framework. The details about this canvas can be found here: https://hackernoon.com/the-napkin-business-canvas-9b019550ae3.

I have it written completely, 11 lines long (short)

I would like to:
- Make it sound more impactful
- Add an emotional aspect to it as well (if possible)
- Make it concise
- Reframe / Improve the sentences.