Need comedians to come up with short witty lines for an auctioneer.

I am a professional auctioneer based in Australia and I would like a comedian to come with some witty/funny lines (can be abit controversial as long as no swearing) so I can be armed with the right line at any moment. I am a great auctioneer but have run out of funny lines to use. An example of a line I would use would be "it's just money" "If you say it quick it doesn't sound like much" or " its a house not a spouse if you don't like it you can sell it later" I would love a few pages of funnny lines to use that are relevant to an auction or the Australian realestate market.

Thank you.